This is a Joke of a thread

Guys I just had a conversation with my doctor and he confirmed that drinking brandy does give a persons wife a running tummy,
I also confirmed this because when I opened my second bottle last night my wife shat herself.

A man has been arrested for throwing rubbish on the pitch at Old Trafford , a Mr David Moyes will be appearing before the Magistrate in the morning!

A doctor from Israel says: ''In Israel our medicine is so advanced, we cut off a man's testicles, put them into another man and in 6 weeks he's looking for work.'' The German doctor comments: ''That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain from a person, put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he's looking for work.'' A Russian doctor says: ''That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, put it into anther person's chest and in 2 weeks he's looking for work.'' The S.A. doctor answers immediately. ''That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us. In South Africa, about 4 years ago, we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls. We made him President of South Africa and now - the entire country is looking for work!!!"

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit............

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This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
R3.99 a minute.

What is the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, there under a buck.

What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
At a hockey game you get to see Fast Pucks.

What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

Its not FIFA..............it's THIEFA...()

Load shedding is not due to an electrical fault....but an electoral fault ()

Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual
signs, phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been
going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names
she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to
stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I
just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I
decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind
my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she
arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'.
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open,
and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at
that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack
where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Ping G25 driver.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA
Superstore?
Concerned Golfer

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. Lady asks, "What are you?"
He says, "I'm a fireman."But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman. He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass."Pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

DOG FOR SALE :
A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.'You talk?' he asks. Yep, the Lab replies.after the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.'Ten dollars,' the guy says.'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

Boere Computer Dictionary from South Africa


Monitor Keeping an eye on the braai
Download Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive Trip back home without any cold beer
Keyboard Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window What you shut when it's cold
Screen What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte What mosquitoes do
Bit What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte What mosquitoes at the dam do
Chip A bar snack
Micro Chip What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix Oom Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop Where the cat sleeps
Software Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse
Mouse Pad What eats the grain in the shed
Where the mouse takes the grain it does not eat
Mainframe What holds the shed up
Web What spiders make
Web Site The shed (or under the verandah)
Cursor The old bloke what swears a lot
Search Engine What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade A steep hill
Server The person at the pub that brings out the lunch
Mail Server The bloke at the pub that brings out the lunch
User The neighbour that keeps borrowing things
Network When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape When fish maneuvers out of reach of net
Online When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line When the pegs don't hold the washing up

Man enters a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.
The Pharmacist asks, “What size?” to which the man replies, “I’m not exactly sure.”
The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, “Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole your erect penis fits into is the correct size of condom for you.”
20 minutes later the man comes back and tells the pharmacist, “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t need the condoms. How much is this board”?