This is a Joke of a thread

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?

horses in bed

Attached files

july field

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators.

He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces,

"My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter,

to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his

last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might,

and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well,

I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath,

then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

Subject; sex insurance.

1) If you sleep with your wife its Legal & General
2) If you sleep in her car its Auto & General
3) If you sleep with someone else's wife its Mutual & Federal
4) If you sleep with your mother in law its Old Mutual
5) If you sleep with more than one person its Prestasie
6) If man sleep with another man its Hollard
7) If you sleep in the spur of the moment with somebody its Momentum
If you sleep with your ex its Outsurance
9) If you sleep with a prostitute its Budget
10) If you sleep with a stranger, its Discovery
11) If you jack off, its My Way

A young Durban woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by
throwing herself into the harbour at the Wilson's Wharf.

Just before she could throw herself from the dock, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off
to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on our ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Italy the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and
hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of
red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was
discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Sarie Marais " - (the
Durban harbour ferry!)

Apologies if this has been posted before, but just heard it....

A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said – my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."

Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The father takes a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised!"

Bless The Scots!

i laughed when you said that the Scotsman bought the bar a round of drinks. Thats never ever happened and is likely that it will ever happen

You are becoming a real pain in the arse and the last person I will be buying a drink for or meeting in Scotland

i laughed when you said that the Scotsman bought the bar a round of drinks. Thats never ever happened and is likely that it will ever happen


Obviously you never paid attention during English lessons ...........................<