This is a Joke of a thread

Good one Hibs
You almost killed me
I choked on my corn flakes...and am still wiping the tears away!

I deleted all my german friends from my mobile phone contact list. I now have a hans free mobile phone ()

Little Jimmy" Mommy, Mommy I want a brother for christmas

Mommy" There's not enough time honey

Then do like daddy and put more men on the job!

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished
to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and, with
trembling hands, read the letter...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid scene
with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she
is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all
her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she
is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream
of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it
with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!



Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.



Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.



Love, your son, Joshua

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on the kitchen table.

Probably done the rounds but it still made me laugh....

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you".

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for Saturday."

The wife said to me last night "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ass!" In hindsight maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...?

A very old woman realises she has seen and done everything and the time has come to depart this world.
After considering various methods to kill herself,she decides to shoot herself in the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake she calls her doctor and asks him the exact location of her heart.
He tells her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone,takes carefull aim and shoots herself in the left knee..

Klein seuntjie sit op trappies met 'n Box smarties en sy kat. Hy gooi 'n smartie in sy keel af, lek die kat en skuif 'n trappie af.
Sy ma sien dit en vra: "Wat maak jy?"
Seuntjie: "mamma ek leer"
Ma vra: "Vir wat leer jy?"
Seuntjie: "van die lewe - I'm popping pills, licking pussy and moving on!!

phumelela ()

hibernia Wrote:

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> phumelela ()


glad you posted them on this thread, biggest joke of them all...

Forrest Gump passes away and goes Heaven. As per normal, on his arrival, he runs to the Pearly Gates only to be told be an Angel that the Gate closes at 4.00pm and he should return in the morning. Before leaving the Angel asks Forrest if he is aware of the oral test that is conducted which actually determines one's entry into Heaven, to which Forrest said no. As a favour the Angel gave Forrest a copy of the questions and told him to look up the answers.

Next morning, Forrest is first in line and St. Peter starts the test,

St Peter, "Tell me which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
Forrest thinks about it and then replies, "Ah, now i remember, today and tomorrow". St Peter looking dumfounded says, "not quite the answer i was looking, however technically i suppose you are correct".

St Peter, "how many seconds are there in a year?"
Forrest, looking confused and nervous, replies, "twelve", to which St Peter asked how did he arrive at that answer. Forrest replies, 2nd January, 2nd February, 2nd March, so on and so forth. Once again St Peter replies "not quite the answer i was looking, however technically i suppose you are correct".

St Peter, "Forrest, final question, what is Jesus's name?"
Forrest, "ah that's the easiest one of the lot, Andy!"
St Peter, absolutely gobsmacked at this point, "explain to me how you came up with Andy?"
Forrest breaks out in song, "Andy he walks with me, Andy talks to me ....."