This is a Joke of a thread

I was in a club last night when a really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my ass and said "Give me your number sexy!"
I replied "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes"

I said "well f*%& back off to it before the farmer notices you're missing"

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.

Overheard during an argument about girlfriends – “never trust anything that bleeds for a week and does not die”

What is the simularity between women and clouds?







Eventually they both dissapear and u have a sunny day

The Sailing results are in. GB took the Gold, USA took the Silver, Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
--
Of course Team GB ladies won the rowing... it's the same basic movement as ironing!
--
A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
--
My mate asked me "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?" After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer "Chinese" I replied...

Caster Semenya came second...
what a gentleman!

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking... and then I saw her face...

Me and my girlfriend watched 3 dvd`s back to back last night....


Thank fuck i was facing the TV ()

SCRATCHING AND CHANGES FOR - FAIRVIEW, FRIDAY , 24 AUGUST 2012
Generated : FRIDAY , 24 AUGUST 2012 as at 01h13

RACE # HORSE # HORSE NAME REASON TIME DATE ADV ADVISED

SCRATCHINGS:

2 17 The Knobster [size=x-large] Gelded 08h04 23-AUG-12 Gavin Smith[/size]

RESERVE RUNNERS:

1 19 Chinese Eyes Reserve Runner 15h05 23-AUG-12 System

shrek Wrote:

---

> My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my
> obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I
> thought she was joking... and then I saw her
> face...


I trust she took Last Train To Clarksville?

Julius Malema, during his fact (read fund!) finding mission to the UK last week, was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Julius if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious ex-leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Julius, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove owr a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Julius, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Julius searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Julius, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!"