This is a Joke of a thread

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.



A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'
...


The golfer replies: 'My good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?'



The keeper replies: 'Aye, I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!’

Very good Bob. I never knew the Scot's don't like the English. ()

New Words for 2011

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..

* AIRPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

An old, blind cowboy from Texas wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Tex, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl .

3. I'm a 6-foot tall , 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind Texan thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...."

A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blows, the gun falls over and discharges, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Paddy says to Mick, Mick the next time you are screwing your Missus, make sure the Curtains are closed, the whole Street was out watching you last night, and everyone was laughing at you.
Mick says, well the joke is on them, I wasn't Home last night

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband "she's my mistress". "Well, that's the last straw" says the wife "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large bank accounts. But... the decision is all yours".

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

shrek Wrote:

---

> An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at
> a very fine restaurant when this absolutely
> stunning young woman comes over to their table,
> gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then
> says she'll see him later and walks away.
>
> The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was
> that?" "Oh," replies the husband "she's my
> mistress". "Well, that's the last straw" says the
> wife "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
>
> "I can understand that" replies her husband "but
> remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
> shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in
> Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more
> Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No
> more credit card and large bank accounts. But...
> the decision is all yours".
>
> Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
> with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman
> with Tony?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress"
> says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.


lol.... thnx shrek.....

Good stuff (tu)

Harry returns from the pension payout queue pretty chuffed and says to his wife "You know, I'm so flippin' mad right now!". "I spent an hour in the queue, then when I got to the payout counter, I realised that I left my i.d. document at home...I've gone there every month for the last two years but suddenly no-one there wanted to believe that I was of a pensionable age" he says with quite a smirk. "You know that I had to unbutton my shirt, and only after they saw my grey chest hairs did they agree to pay me my pension!"
His wife looks at him with disdain and says: "Well, so you only got your pension then?...I bet if you pulled down your pants, they'd have given you a disability payout as well!!!!"

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead".