This is a Joke of a thread

A store that sells new Husbands has opened in Sydney, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going...

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak...

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor... There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wive's Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex...






The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.





The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm,
is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Recent studies have shown increasing demand of people not only seeking life insurance, but more specifically Sex-Insurance.

The insurance companies have formulated the following options:

Option 1:

If you sleep with your wife

- LEGAL & GENERAL

Option 2:

If you sleep with your wife in your car

- AUTO & GENERAL

Option 3:

If you sleep with someone else's wife:

- MUTUAL & FEDERAL

Option 4:

Sleeping with your mother-in-law

- OLD MUTUAL

Option 5:

If you sleep with a Bushman-girl

- SANLAM

Option 6:

Sleeping with more than one person at the same time

- PRESTASIE MULTIPLEX

Option 7:

Taking advantage of the person you sleep with

- LIBERTY LIFE

Option 8:

Man sleeping with another man

- HOLLARD

Option 9:

Having sex on the spur of the moment

- MOMENTUM

Option 10:

Sleeping with your ex-wife

- OUTSURANCE

Option 11:

Sleeping with a prostitute

- BUDGET


Option 12:

Having sex with someone you don't even know
- DISCOVERY



Option 13:

Having sex with a virgin.
- FIRST FOR WOMEN

Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate. I
have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days"

"Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition?"

"eYebo Boss, that's is the one."

"Dam! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Mista Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?"

"eNobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mista Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"eYes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Boss"

"What fire are you talking about, man? "

"The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the!!??....Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a
candle??!!

"eYes Boss Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Mista Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling
nobody she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with
Boss's new Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver."


SILENCE................... ,


LONG
SILENCE.............................................................,


FINALLY ............,


"Philemon, if you broke that driver, you are in deep, deep sh*t!"

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel..

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Vereeniging, but I worked both sides of the Vaal.

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY'
then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was
pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'

(You're gonna love this.....)




He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.


He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with
both hands, he crawled downstairs.


With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his
favourite scones.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .....

F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

American Football FINALLY makes sense ...

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!

RobP cool stuff!

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Prince Charles retired back to their room, in Buckingham Palace

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor but it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and
said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove
the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy.
Once a Navy man, always a Navy man"

The Errand

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave,
"S'cuse me", said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman,
"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
***********************************************
The Lost Luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
***********************************************
Water to wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
***********************************************
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."
***********************************************
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

***********************************************
The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet,
he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored,
"let it be blood!!"
***********************************************
(And saving the best for last...)
You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called;
you left your wheelchair there again."

Guts or Balls....

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.