This is a Joke of a thread

Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love.

For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Duncan .
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed.

"He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place.

Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in.

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush...................................

For quite a while............................

Finally, the crab spoke.......
.....
.....
.....





"F*ck, I'm pissed."

value for money?

Attached files [img]/wp-content/uploads/attachments/206689=661-home entertainment.jpg[/img]

Hibs gonna ban u Green Pony No titties allowed.

serious sly LOL ?!

luckily covered up

Dustbin man knocks on a Japanese mans door.... The jap says "harro,wot u wan??" Dustbin man asks "where's your bin?" "I bin on loo" says the jap..."No mate where's your dustbin?"..."I dust bin on loo"..he says..."No no mate,where's your wheelie bin?"..."Hokay,I wheelie bin havin a wnk!!!

A foursome reaches the 18th green.

All bets are placed.

The leader bends over, lines up his putt and then pulls back up.

A funeral procession is starting to go by on the main road.

The man removes his cap, places it over his heart, bows his head and wait for the entire procession to pass.

When the procession is no longer in sight, the man places his cap back on his head, addresses the ball,
bends over and puts the ball squarely in the hole.

He wins.

The loser is so impressed with the sensitivity shown by the winner, he cannot be mad that he lost. So he
approaches the winner and says "That was mighty Christian of you to show so much respect."

The winner says "Yes. It would have been 25 years tomorrow."

lol Barry!

Attached files

Bakkies Botha is so sterk, hy kan 'n bladsy uit facebook uit skeur

Bakkies Botha bel nie die verkeerde nommer nie, jy antwoord die verkeerde foon

Bakkies Botha can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Bakkies Botha doesn’t need a GPS. Bakkies Botha decides where he is.

When Bakkies Botha throws a boomerang it doesn’t dare come back

Some kids pee their name in snow. Bakkies Botha pees his name in concrete.

Toe Alexander Graham Bell die foon ontwerp het, was daar reeds 3 missed calls van Bakkies Botha af

Die enigste tyd wat Bakkies rustig raak is as Riaan die nuus lees om 7

Wanneer Bakkies melk op sy rice crispies gooi, bly hulle tjoep f*kken stil

Die eerste ding wat Bakkies doen wanneer hy by die see aankom, is om twee lengtes te swem

scotia Wrote:

---

> Natal Curry Contest
>
>
> If you can read this whole story without laughing
> then there is no hope for you. I was crying by the
> end. Note: please take time to read this slowly.
> For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know
> how typical this is. They actually have a curry
> cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major
> portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in
> PMB.
>
> Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named
> Frank, who was visiting from America. Frank:
> "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a
> judge at a Curry Cook off. The original person
> called in sick at the last moment and I happened
> to be standing there at the judge's table asking
> for directions to the Beer Garden when the call
> came in. I was assured by the other two judges
> (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
> that spicy and besides, they told me I could have
> free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here
> are the scorecard notes from the event.
>
> Curry Contest 1-8
>
> CURRY 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY
> Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
> Amusing kick.
> Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
> Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is
> this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
> driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
> I hope that's the worst one. These people are
> crazy.
>
> CURRY 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY
> Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight
> chilli tang.
> Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more
> peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge 3 (Frank) -- Keep this out of the reach of
> children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
> besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had
> to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
> face.
>
> CURRY 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE'
> CURRY
> Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
> Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli
> peppers.
> Judge 3 (Frank) -- Call 911. I've located a
> uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been
> snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine
> by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
> pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the
> front part of my chest. I'm getting p*ssed from
> all the beer.
>
> CURRY 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY
> Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice.
> Disappointing.
> Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
> side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much
> of a curry.
> Judge 3 (Frank) -- I felt something scraping
> across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is
> it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
> beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
> refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look
> HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
> chilli an aphrodisiac?
>
> CURRY 5 - LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers
> freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
> impressive.
> Judge 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more
> tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a
> strong statement.
> Judge 3 (Frank) -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
> pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus
> my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
> told her that her chilli had given me brain
> damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
> wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
> p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to
> stop screaming. Scr*w them.
>
> CURRY 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry.
> Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
> peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge 3 (Frank) -- My intestines are now a
> straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
> flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I
> fart and I'm worried it will eat through the
> chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
> except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore I
> need to wipe my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream.
>
> CURRY 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY
> Judge 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance
> on canned peppers.
> Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last
> moment. (I should take note at this stage
> that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be
> in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably).
> Judge 3 (Frank) -- You could put a grenade in my
> mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
> I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
> covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my
> mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
> shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know
> what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing -
> it's too painful. Scr*w it; I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in
> through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> CURRY 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY
> Judge 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice
> blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to
> declare its existence.
> Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
> curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
> most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed
> out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on
> top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
> Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
> hot curry?
> Judge 3 (Frank) - No Report


That was pricelessX(

Hello...
So cute I had to share...
Never Lie to a Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends .

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..." .




Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

Stolen from facebook


Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the pro...mised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers" and increased Vat to 20%.

I am so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, who diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home
unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising
that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.



The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let
alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'



Boy - 'I have a football.'



Man - 'That's nice.'



Boy - 'Want to buy it?'



Man - 'No, thanks.'



Boy - 'My dad's outside.'



Man - 'OK, how much?'



Boy - '$ 250'



In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.



Boy - 'Dark in here.'



Man - 'Yes, it is.'



Boy - 'I have football boots.'



The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'



Boy - '$ 750'



Man - 'Sold.'



A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.



The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father asks, 'How
much did you sell them for and to who?'



The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'



The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend
like that'.

'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'



They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.



The boy says, 'Dark in here'..



The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my
cupboard now'!!