This is a Joke of a thread

John: I got banned from the disco down the road last night.
Paul: Seriously? Why?
John: They played "The Twist" and I did the twist...They played "Jump" so I jumped...The trouble started when they played "Come on Eileen".

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=5f29dae404&view=att&th=13590e770000df70&attid=0.1&disp=thd&realattid=f_gysr6ij30&zw

Oh shyte ... is this benito's real thread?

Gary Cahill scored to show a shirt saying pray for Muamba underneath...
Fernando Torres scored and revealed his save The Chilean Miners shirt.

A husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a "phone call" so that the kids will not decode. 1day the husband sen his son to tell his mom that his dad wants to make a "phone call".
Mother replies, "tell your dad the network is bad today".
Husband: "tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, i will go to the "Public phone"".
Wife sends son back: "tell your father that if he dare goes to the Public phone,then then i will open a Call Centre at home"

Here's another......

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but ONLY 4 parachutes....
The first passenger said, ''I'm Lionel Messi , the world's number 1 footballer. FIFA needs me, I cnt afford to die.''
So he took the first pack and left the plane...
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton said, ''I am the wife of the Former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world. I am also New York Senator and a potential future President.''
She took the 2nd parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, Julius Malema said,''I'm also a President.
Millions of South African youth always look up to me for guidance. Above all i'm the cleverest youth President in African history and Africa's people Won't let me die. Furthermore l have millions that I have not spent yet.''
So he put on a pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, Nelson Mandela says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old Chinese boy, ''I'm old and have lived a fruitful life, God will decide my fate, so I'll let u have the last parachute.''
The boy says, '' IT'S OKAY, there's a parachute left for u. Julius took my schoolbag.''

Agra, dont let Julius hear this. lolX(

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.


It doesn't have any feet or legs.


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'


The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.


'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my fea the rs.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, the n the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied "If you’re going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

Socrates - thoughts on gossip.





Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.............

Policeman stops a car being driven by a woman .
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Gay Bob goes to the doctors and has some tests done.
The doctor comes back and says ''Bob, im not going to beat
around the bush.You have AIDS.''

Gay Bob is devastated.
'' Doc what can i do ?''
Doc says, ''Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage,20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 jalapeno peppers,40 walnuts,40 peanuts,1/2 box of grape nut cereal,
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.''

Gay Bob asks hopefully, '' Will that cure me, Doc ?''

Doc says ''No,but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is really for.''