This is a Joke of a thread

When I turned a fruit into a vegetable I called it a magic trick.... the police however called it a homophobic attack.

Bump for Dave

I was showing the doctor my badly bruised penis and he asked me how I did it, I told him it was a surfing accident. "Did you fall off your surfboard?" he asked "No" I said "The wife came in and I had to slam the laptop shut!"

Nando brilliance at it again

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay; you'll walk again and everything but something
happened. I'm trying to break this gently but the fact
is that your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans but the doctor goes on, "We understand you've got £9000 in insurance
compensation coming your way when you claim. We have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is it doesn't come cheap: it's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five incher before and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine incher before, and you decide only to invest in a
five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she
plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
to your wife?"

"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

Q. If a man weighs 98kg how much does his willy weigh?

A. 5.5kg

How do I know that? Scroll down.
















I weigh 98 kg <

Im putting out Vodka and Potatoes for Santa this year..........
You can bet some Polish guy has taken his job..

Just got back from my friends funeral,he died after being
hit on the head with a tennis ball...
It was a lovely service

Why did the Polish man cross the road?
Because the wan$e%s got the fuc$ing chickens job as well

Why are married men fatter than single men?
Single men come in,see whats in the fridge and go to bed.
Married men come in,see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

The Improved National Health Insurance

The South African Medical doctors have weighed in on the new health care proposals:

The Allergists are scratching their heads, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists said they would sleep on it and thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Pretoria !!

I never knew this.
About Penguins



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins


On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic

Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will

Mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of

Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.




If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

Of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes

In the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is

Deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle

Around the fresh grave and sing:







"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."




"Then they kick him in the ice hole."