This is a Joke of a thread

A racehorse owner takes his horse to his vet.

“Will I be able to race this horse again?” he asks

The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

Wisdom in Phrases



Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go I didn't realize you were a cop.

DATING IN THE 60'S

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred..
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left..
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The dance is called the Twist !!!'

A woman sitting at a restaurant in Brakpan suddenly began to cough while
eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it became
Apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals at the next table
turned to look at her.
"Kan you like swallow?" asked one.
The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head." Kan you like
breeve?" asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No. With that,
the first Brakpan ou walked over to her, lifted up the back of her
skirt, pulled down her panties, and quickly ran his tongue up and down
the woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
The man slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another
sip of his Klipdrift & Coke.
His partner said in admiration, "Ma se moer, I did heard of that Hind
Lick Manoeuvre, but I never did saw anybody done it before.....

A magician on cruise liner always has his tricks ruined by the ships parrot. Each time he does a trick the parrot squawks. "It's in his pocket. Four of clubs. It's got a false bottom". The magician hates it. That night the ship sinks & the two cling to a piece of driftwood. For four days the parrot says nothing & just stares at him. Eventually the parrot says "Okay smart arse I give up. Where's the f*cking ship?"

Sipho and Jonas are both beggars at several highway off-ramps.

Sipho drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house in Sandton, and has a lot of money to spend.

Jonas only brings in R20 to R30 a day. Jonas asks Sipho how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of R10 notes every day.

Sipho says; "Look at your sign, it says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support,' South Africans who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family."

Now look at my sign.

So Jonas looks and Sipho's sign reads, "I only need another R10 to move back to Zimbabwe."

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

shrek Wrote:

---

> Very good Bob. I never knew the Scot's don't like
> the English. ()


I was at Scotsman's wedding this weekend - Bag pipes, the whole nine yards. The grooms father performed the ceremony. At one point they observed a Scottish wedding tradition where the families swapped gifts as symbol of the joining of the clans.

Whilst the mothers of the bride and groom exchanged gifts, he commented "In the old days it would have been an Englishman's head but this will have to do" all in a broad Billy Connolly like accent.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
'I do not have a headache'
'I do not have a headache'
'I do not have a headache'
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful" proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
In the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the
Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
Her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
Into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "WOW! - that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
Better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "OH MY GOD" she proclaims.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
Standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife."
"She's not my wife."
"She's not my wife."

Paddy to the Doctor "Doc, I dont feel so well".
Doc "Well, I will need a urine, stool and semen samples".
Paddy "Ah that's easy, I'll just give you my underpants".

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an Australian guy, a South African bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Australian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Australian guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Australian thinks: The South African bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The South African thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can moer that Aussie again.