Late 20s early 30s

Late 20's, early 30's symptoms. Let me know if you recognize any, I did!

1. You leave gigs before the encore to beat the rush

2. You own a lawnmower

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section

5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops

6. All of a sudden, your Dad is 50 not only 50

7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like

8. Flicking through Heat magazine makes you too tired to go out

9. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden

10. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it

11. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves

12. You start to worry about your parents' health.

13. You complain that ecstasy's "not as pure as it used to be" coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.

14. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

15. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.

16. Pop music all starts to sound crap.

17. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of house white.

18. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture

19. You always have enough milk in

20. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents

21. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

22. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear

23. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q

24. You wish you had a shed

25. You have a shed

26. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course"

27. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Steve Wright has some really interesting guests on.... you know.

28. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at school children whose diction is poor

29. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets

30. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11

31. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first, time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...

32. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"

Lifes Little Reflection’s

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Europeans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.