State of the Nation speech ( advance copy courtesy Dave Bullard)

The speech Zuma ought to give today.

Today President Jacob Zuma delivers his state of the nation address. The speech will have been cobbled together by some hack who is eager to stay close to the Presidential rear end. It will, almost certainly, brag about the few achievements of the ANC and paper over the many cracks. This is the one he ought to have read.....

My fellow South Africans......and particularly the good looking young lady in the public gallery who I would like to marry, this is my first state of the nation speech and what can I say? It's been amazing. We've all got new cars and some of us have even got two new cars. Fortunately none of them are Toyotas so you won't have to worry about the accelerator pedal sticking (something that didn't happen when they were involved in F1.....pause for laughter) or the brakes failing. The cars we've chosen are much more expensive and therefore safer so none of your beloved leaders are at risk from an untimely death. That should silence all those honkeys who said we were giving the middle finger to the poor and getting our snouts in the trough.

Speaking of the poor....we are aware that there are a hell of a lot of the buggers and that they don't seem to be getting any richer. We're also aware that they voted ANC but we've got time on our side and we promise to talk about them again in four years time.

Moving on....let's talk about the rich. Look I'm not saying that they're nicer people than the poor....not saying that at all....but they do have more money which is why we like to hang around them. Let's be honest....is a poor guy going to buy you a bottle of Johnnie Blue or cut you in for a share of his business? Course not so that's why we are prepared to let bygones be bygones and bury our post colonial resentment by hanging out with good honkeys like the late, great patriot Brett Kebble who was brutally gunned down by a third force all those years ago. As that great magazine publisher Essop Pahad said as he wept on the lid of Brett's coffin, were that there were more like him. Guys who embrace the new South Africa and foot the bill for a member of the youth league's 30th birthday.

So....er.....let's talk business. What are we in the ruling party going to do about the state the nation is in? As T S Eliot said ‘'Time present and time past are both perhaps present in time future and time future contained in time past" and how right he was. His words perfectly encapsulate ANC policy and this would be a good opportunity to dwell on time future. Yes, it's finally going to happen. We Africans are going to host the FIFA World Cup for the first time ever and I've got a good contact who can get me tickets. The naysayers are convinced it will be a cock up because masses of tourists will be killed and eaten or they will disappear into sink holes. Obviously some will but most will have a great time until they realise that it's winter in South Africa and they should have brought a coat. We are prepared to welcome these visitors to our land, with their wallets crammed with money. We know that they will enjoy the football and the many cultural opportunities our country offers, such as "on the spot fines' for traffic offences. When we wave them goodbye at the end of what is bound to be a remarkable few weeks we know that they will go home poorer but with affection for our great land and that they will say good things about us. And not mention the appalling state of the roads, the crap public transport, the number of beggars they encountered, the litter, the driving skills of our taxi-drivers or the dreariness of our Sunday newspapers (Note to self....find out who wrote this speech).

But, to quote Mark Knopfler, "after 2000 came 2001" and to draw inspiration from those wise words...after 2010 comes 2011 and the question many of you are asking is....do we in the ANC have a plan to deal with the enormous post Fifa anti climax? And the answer is yes. We are going to nationalise the mines whatever Susan says and my mini-me, Julius Malema, will be minister in charge of milking off and redistributing the disgustingly large profits these mines make. With that money we will build new homes for all shack dwellers with master bedrooms and ensuite bathrooms. So all of you ungrateful sods who are moaning about lack of delivery and chucking bricks at the cops....pipe down. Rome wasn't built in a day you know. We will create 5m new jobs by the end of the year and we will be launching a South African space programme early in 2011. The purpose of this is to look for new donors to the ruling party. Comrade cosmonaut Mbeki is currently undergoing advanced training by learning to hold his breath underwater for three minutes. The problems of weightlessness were overcome during his presidency (pause for polite guffaws from the press gallery).

The country still has one of the highest incidence of Aids and HIV in the world. The way to change this is to shag a foreigner thereby upping their figures. That way other countries will eventually have a high HIV/Aids number and we won't stand out like a sore thumb. 2010 is therefore declared "international shag a foreigner year" by Presidential decree.

To those who have failed to fully embrace the new South Africa, those who carp at non delivery and those racists who say Africans can't run countries very well I have one message......in the words of that famous song.... "baby you aint seen nothing yet".

End. Wait for thunderous applause to die down. Check if lovely lady is still in public gallery.

*After 24 years as a trader in the global financial markets David Bullard decided to opt for an easy life and became a journalist. His iconic "Out to Lunch" column has been running for 15 years and is as offensive as ever. Not that he gives a damn...

heh..yes brilliant.