> > > For Christmas last year, my EX wife purchased
> > a week of private lessons at the local Virgin Active club for
> > me.
> > > Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high
> > school rugby team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give
> > it a try. I mean, it's not that I left the sporting fraternity totally
> > after I left school; ask any guy at St Stithians. They'll tell you that
I'm
> > great pool player.
> High School Rugby, Pool, Virgin Active........ a natural
> > > progression for anyone to see.
> > >
> > > I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
> > > named Cindy, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics
> > > instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife
> > > seemed pleased with my surprising enthusiasm to get started.
> > >
> > > The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...
> > >
> > >
> > > Monday:
> > > Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
> > > was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Cindy
> > > waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair,
> > dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile!!!) Cindy gave me a tour and
> > showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the
> treadmill.
> > > She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to
> > > standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I thoroughly enjoyed
> > > watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
> after my
> > > own workout today. Very inspiring.) Cindy was encouraging as I did
> > my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
> > whole time she was around.
> > > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
> > >
> > > Tuesday:
> > > I drank a whole pot of coffee (had to have a cigarette,too), but I
> > finally made it out of the door.Cindy made me lie on my back and push a
> > heavy iron bar into the air..............then she put weights on it.
> My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
> Cindy's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!! It's a
> whole new life
> > for me.
> > >
> > > Wednesday:
> > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
> > the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
> > have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
> > to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Kia in the club lot. Cindy was
> > impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
> members.
> > (Her voice is a little too perky so early in the morning, and I hadn't
> > noticed that when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is quite
> > annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Cindy put
> > me on the stair monster, er, master. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a
> > machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Cindy
> told
> > me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life......... She said some
> other
> > shit too.
> > >
> > > Thursday:
> > > Cindy was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
> > > her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I explained
> > > that I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long
> > for me to tie my fucking shoes. Cindy took me to work out with
dumbbells.
> > > When she wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She
> > sent Patrick in to find me. As punishment, she put me on the rowing
> machine...
> > which I sank.
> > >
> > > Friday:
> > > I hate that BITCH Cindy more than any human being has ever hated
> > > any other human being in the history of the world. (Prissy,
> > > pretentious, stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader-wanna-be
> > BITCH). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
> pain,
> > I would beat her with it. Cindy wanted me to work on my triceps. I
> > don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the damn floor,
> don't
> > hand me fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The
> > > treadmill flung me off and I landed on a Health and P.E. teacher.
> > Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the Drama coach or the
> Choir
> > director?
> > >
> > > Saturday:
> > > Cindy left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
> > > shrill, piercing little voice, wondering why I did not show up
> > today?
> > > Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my
> > planner.
> > > However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended
> > up watching eleven straight hours of the fucking weather channel.
> > >
> > > Sunday:
> > > I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can
> > > go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that
> > next year my EX wife (the other BITCH) will choose a gift for me that is
> > > fun...like a root canal or a vasectomy.
> >
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